AP, Washington, D.C. Today, the Romney campaign announced its plans for restructuring America. Previously, Mitt Romney argued that he had vast business experience, and knew exactly what must be done to restore America. He is now making public more specific plans for achieving this goal. Drawing upon his vast business experience at Bain Capital, Romney announced that he would do what he does best. He plans to sell off some of America’s more unprofitable states and acquire some Asian countries that he considers to be undervalued.
Insiders expect that Romney will extract all the moveable assets and capital from Tennessee and West Virginia and sell them to the Chinese. Negotiations are already underway.
Certain states such as Mississippi and Arkansas have essentially no market value or realistic prospects for sale. Accordingly, Romney plans to extract the moveable assets and capital from these states and allow them to go bankrupt. Layoff notices are being prepared for the residents of these states, informing them that their state is insolvent and no longer part of America.
Lastly, in keeping with his prior strategy at Bain, the Romney campaign announced that it is interested in purchasing South Korea and Viet Nam. Both countries have been undervalued by the market, and it is believed that they could be acquired at bargain rates unless some other country or investment banker bids on them.
A spokesman for the Romney campaign said that South Korea and Viet Nam would make excellent additions to the U.S. portfolio of states, and add significantly to the U.S. balance sheet. He acknowledged, however, that past efforts to acquire Viet Nam may leave the Vietnamese a bit touchy about this offer.
New that the Fine Gael party is poised to seize control of the Irish government in a coalition with the Labour party, leaders from the two parties are holding high level discussions concerning the formation of a new government and formulating a strategy for handling the economic turmoil caused by the previous Fianna Fail government. It has now been reported by highly placed sources that the Fine Gael-Labour coalition have conceived a new plan for bailing out Ireland from economic collapse. Emissaries from the two parties have been dispatched to London to offer to sell Ireland back to the United Kingdom. The emissaries have further apologized for the bloody revolt earlier during the 20th century, and expressed hope that there aren’t any hard feelings.
Although an official response has yet to emerge from Downing Street, sources within the Conservative government confirm that the two nations are unable to agree on an appropriate price for Ireland. The Irish representatives have been quoted as saying that eleven pence is a completely unreasonable price. Sinn Fein has threatened that the Irish Republican Army is poised to renew its terrorist attacks unless the United Kingdom agrees to take Ireland back. Prime Minister David Cameron was quoted as saying, “Bring it on. The British nation is not interested in buying a second hand nation of spendthrifts with funny accents.
In a related development, Greece is reported to be making inquiries to Turkey as to whether they would like to reconstitute the Ottoman empire and allow Greece to become a province. Meetings in Ankara have stalled because the Turkish foreign minister has not yet been able to stop laughing.
Proposed Reconstituted Ottoman Empire
Meanwhile, Spain and Portugal have entered into high-level negotiations with Parker Brothers, proposing that their two nations should replace Baltic and Mediteranean Avenues on the Monopoly Board. It is believed that the two and four dollar rents would substantially raise the gross domestic products of these two nations, allowing them to better cope with their restructuring program.
Parker Brothers empire to add Portugal and Spain
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